Sportsgasm WorldCupGasm

The Gasm Guide to the World Cup

By on June 26, 2014

Image courtesy of Spencer Tunic

Image courtesy of Spencer Tunic

If you’re looking to get out there and play dirty during the World Cup (and not just watch the games) here’s the Gasm Guide to some important World Cup Lingo. And, if you’re going to bite, don’t pull a Suárez. Start with a nibble and go from there.

GASM GUIDE:

Football/Futbol: While it means soccer outside of the United States, it can also be a fancy way to talk about a foot fetish, or even bigger, a foot fetish orgy. Invite a group of friends over to do a foot-massage train and see if you have a ball (a “foot ball”).

Pitch: In football, it’s the actual field that the game is played on. For our purposes it’s the person who scores the field goal, meaning they do the penetrating when their partner is on all fours. Can be used when discussing pegging, or anal sex, or for doggy style (as in rear-entry), but not rear-end-entry, position.

Nil: When one team scores NOTHING; as in zero, zilch and nada. It can also be used when you don’t get laid because your partner can’t stop watching the world cup.

Equalizer: In World Cup terms, this is the person who scores the goal to tie the game. In sexual terms, this is the act that puts everybody involved on the same level field. For example, if you and your partner like to spank and get spanked, then spanking is an equalizer when it comes to your sex play.

Tackle: In futbol, tackle involves using one’s feet to take the ball away from the feet of the opponent. Tackle can also mean to take down one’s lover in a playful, loving way. Think erotic wrestling and go all out. Don capes and bodysuits in your favorite country’s colors and even if your team loses, wrestle it out in a rematch.

Mark: In World Cup lingo, it means to stick real close to another player. But we like to think of it as claiming one’s “property.” When making your mark, or marking your territory, why not take it to the tub and try a golden shower.

Nutmeg: While this move is quite impressive in football (passing the ball, often back to one’s self, but only after kicking it in between an opponent’s legs), it can also be impressive in the sack. Perhaps you can think of the nutmeg as a way to give his balls a night to remember. Use your tongue and make a humming sound, or try a gentle vibrator on his balls. That’s a nutmeg he’s likely never to forget.

Bicycle kick: This somersault kick is something only the pros do well. But when it comes to sex, we think of the bicycle kick as that extra oomph to keep you balanced in an advanced position (think bicycle kickstand). Use a chair, a hand, or even your leg to support yourself while you try to have sex and watch the game at the same time — and that’s a sexual bicycle kick.

Own goal: While in football this is scoring for the other team, we like to think of this as simply getting laid.

Group of Death: Called “The most fearsome four-team group in the tournament,” the Group of Death can also be seen as a simultaneous orgasm between you and your partner, or partners. Orgasm is, after all, called “Le Petit Mort,” so when you come together, you can call it the Group of Death.

Cap: The number of times a player appears in an international match, in terms of sex, this is the maximum number of times you can do it in one night.

One other thing, we can’t help but notice that World Cup Lingo sounds like World Cunnilingo. Is there a celebration for that?

What position would you like to play?