Porn in the USA: Nina Hartley, Legend of Porn.

Join us on our journey as we navigate the porn landscape.  This week, Nina Hartley uncovers lessons she’s learnt from 30 years of working in porn. 

1. Communication without embarrassment is vital. Over the years, I’ve often performed with a person within one hour of meeting them for the first time. Besides going over the basic mechanics of the scene (dealing with the physical set, the order of positions, etc.), my partner and I have to share our needs and limits right up front, lest we risk a sex scene failure. Just being able to say things in a matter-of-fact way has really helped me to have better sex on screen, and off. Things like, “Don’t put pressure on my throat,” “I have a bum knee so doggie is out today,” “I like to kiss. Do you?” goes a long way toward having a smooth and fun experience. No one likes to be triggered in the middle of the fun, so speak up.

2. Self-awareness is crucial. In order to communicate our needs, wants, limits and desires, we must first know what they are. We each must, on our own, discover those things that make us hot or leave us cold. Do your homework: get therapy, masturbate mindfully, learn cock control if you’re a guy, learn how to get yourself off reliably if you’re a gal, look at explicit pictures, drawings, movies, poems or stories to find out what gets your motor running, and find a way to share that with your partner. As much as our culture tells us that if our partner loves us they’d be able to “tell” what it is we want, that is bunkum. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind and you’ll breed contentment instead of resentment.

3. A little performance in the home bedroom can be a good thing. I’m not saying to scream and thrash about in bed like a woman in a bad porno movie, which is universally off-putting, or hammer away in fifth gear for twenty minutes like some clueless guy, which is equally annoying, but it’s as important to learn how to ask for what you want as it is to know what it is you want. Just think how you’d want to be asked to “Move a little to the left.” Barked like a drill sergeant and I’m likely to get my panties in a wad. Purr to me like Marilyn Monroe or Barry White, and I’ll break my neck to please you. Don’t just ask for what you don’t want, think about how you’re going to ask for what you want so that you get it.

4. Be generous and have fun. Adults are responsible for their actions, so show up for sex with the honest intention of showing, and being shown, a good time, whatever that ends up looking like. Be groomed. Wear outfits that your partner finds arousing. Go easy on the perfume. Turn off the phone and computer. Be focused on the moment, so that you can be in the moment.

5. It’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. So, be prepared. Set up condoms, gloves, lube, toys, vibrators, baby wipes, towels, water and whatever else you’ll need to keep the action moving along. When they’re at hand, you don’t have to fumble to find them later.

Sure, spontaneous sex is great, but planning out sex can prepare you for lots of good things to come…and come, and come.

So what lessons can you share with your fellow gasm pleasure seekers?