Experts & Friends

My S&M Experience -A Beginner’s Guide to Safe and Sexy S&M

By on December 17, 2013

beginners guide

Sadomasochism. Dominance and Submission. Bondage and Discipline. Role Playing. Kink.

These are all words that are commonplace in the S&M vernacular. They sometimes have different meanings to different people, but all practitioners know these words have one thing in common:


This point is NON-NEGOTIABLE. Trust me on this, I’ve had some experiences where I did not follow these rules and I walked away with a limp and covered in bruises! (And I don’t mean that in a good way!) It’s kind of like the movie “Fight Club” in that the first several rules are the same. Instead of ‘You do not talk about Fight Club!’ it’s ‘Safety First, Safety First, and Safety First!!!’

Any partner that you would want to be with is going to know this. If it’s your first time ever experimenting, or if you are a leather-clad, seasoned pro who owns your own gimp, you need to be careful and pay attention to what is going on at ALL times!  And any partner who hassles you about not wanting to waste time on planning things out a bit is a first class jerk that needs to be tossed out with yesterday’s garbage. I had a boyfriend who would occasionally get whiney with me so I had to let him go, but not without letting him know how clumsy his actions were first! He wasn’t too keen on me after that, but I can assure you it was his loss!

The situation should be discussed beforehand and ‘safe words’ should be established. A ‘safe word’ is an agreed upon word that is said if one of the partners wants to slow down or stop. It can be anything from ‘yellow’, which means ‘proceed with caution’ or ‘RED’ which means ‘stop immediately’. If you want to add some brevity to the situation to lighten the mood then go right ahead and use silly safe words! I once blurted out “GIRAFFE!!!” to my boyfriend and we were both so caught off guard by it that we started laughing hysterically! He asked me what I wanted him to do differently after we regained our composure and after I told him things proceeded better than expected. In any event you are going to need safe words. Be they silly or serious safe words, you should not proceed without discussing them first.  Again, this is not negotiable. Failure to comply with these well intentioned words should result in swift nullification of all activities.  If you are the dominant one in control of your beloved submissive, you need to ensure that your actions are never clumsy or heavy-handed, and you need to constantly monitor your submissive’ s reactions. Be aware of their breathing, body language and eye contact. If you are the submissive that is being told what to do, or are tied up, you need to be with a partner you trust completely and never, under ANY circumstances, do something you are uncomfortable with.  I once had a boyfriend who assured me, against my better judgment I might add, that just because we were both a bit tipsy from the night’s partying that he would be ‘on point’ with his dominance over me. Turned out this was all just talk and he wound up seriously injuring me with his belt! I was hurt and mad but madder at myself than anything else because I had gone against my judgment. Drunk sex is fine on occasion but it should NEVER be combined with any roughhousing S&M sex. That’s practically asking for serious injury!

S&M can be a lot of fun and a wonderful activity to connect with your lover in an intense and passionate way.  Or, if under the wrong circumstances with the wrong partner, it can be downright terrifying or even border on being ‘rape-y’.  This is why I only reserve this type of sex with a very trusted partner I have been with for a while. You are taking very serious chances if you do know your partner well enough to trust them implicitly! There are people known as ‘sadists’ who enjoy inflicting pain. If they are with someone who enjoys receiving pain, ‘a masochist’, then that is a wonderful combination, and a true sadist will know their partner’s limits and turn-ons, and will go out of their way to NOT genuinely hurt them. Unfortunately, there are people out there who call themselves ‘sadists’ and enjoy inflicting bodily harm, regardless of what their partners are into. These people are not sadists, but rather predators who should be avoided at all costs. This is one of the many reasons that TRUST and SAFETY are extremely important elements of your S&M lovemaking. Personally speaking, I am a ‘switch’ which is someone who enjoys both aspects of being dominate and submissive. It depends on my mood I suppose but either way I make sure to be incredibly careful when I ‘top’ (dominate) my partner and when I am a ‘bottom’ (submissive) I make sure to go over everything with my lover so that no accidental injuries occur.

Whatever your reasons for experimenting with S&M, or even if your kinky inclinations are considered ‘vanilla’, you need to have an open and frank discussion with your trusted partner about your expectations before proceeding. As with any type of sexual activity, it needs to be three things, first and foremost: SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL.  Meaning that safe sex and safe sex-play is always a sexy turn-on enabling both partners to relax and have fun. Sane and consensual, meaning no manipulative head games, ego-trips, or bullying in an attempt to get a hesitant partner to do something they are unsure of. That is not sexy; it’s rude, inconsiderate, and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. No one is obligated in any way to participate in these activities if they are unwilling or unsure.   PERIOD.

Your ‘dos and don’ts’ also need to be discussed in detail, along with any other concerns either one of you have. If (for example) you enjoy getting spanked, then perhaps you would like your lover rub some ice on your bottom after a few particularly hard smacks. If you have an old injury (such as your shoulder, back or knee) that occasionally flares up if agitated please do yourself a favor and let your partner know so that they may be extra careful with that particular body part. If you like getting tied up, then make sure the restraints will not injure you (because some ropes and other tools of restraint can cut flesh and that’s NEVER SEXY.) If you enjoy getting handcuffed, then so be it, but make sure there are readily available keys to unlock you at a moment’s notice. (A second set of keys is ALWAYS a great idea!) One can never be too cautious.

And if you are with a partner who makes you feel foolish, ashamed or genuinely degrades you because you want to ask questions, establish boundaries, take things slow, and proceed in a safe and sane manner, then that is NOT someone for you.  Do not allow yourself to be pressured or manipulated into something that could seriously injure you. This is not a joke; this is not something to be taken lightly. This is your life and your body and anyone who does not respect that should be shown the door and told never to come back. Again, safety first and anyone who does not abide by these rules should absolutely not get to have ‘play time’.

You owe it to yourself and your partner to maintain a healthy and respectful approach to each other’s sexuality. Anything else is risking your sanity and health, both mental and physical, which is the least sexy thing in the world. Respect yourself and demand to be respected. Trust me, it’s worth it, and so are you.


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