Fleshlight’s Humpable iPad Case: Rad or Ridiculous?
Fleshlight recently released LaunchPad: an iPad case that you fuck while you’re watching pornography on your iPad screen. It works like this: you take a fleshlight, put it inside the hole in the iPad case, attach the case to the iPad, watch something stimulating, and start humping. In this interview, journalist Krissy Eliot and sex educator Jamye Waxman go head to head and share their reactions to this new invention.
1. Is an iPad case you can hump the best idea or worst idea?
KRISSY: Worst. Definitely. I thought it was a joke product when I first saw the article — and then I stopped laughing when I saw that it was a real thing. And then I started laughing again because I realized it was a “serious” product. And then I stopped laughing. And then I started laughing. I was in a glass case of emotion. Honestly, I didn’t know how to feel about the state of sexuality in our society when I saw this. I guess I’m just grossed out. I don’t have anything against Fleshlight as a company — I just think this product is icky because it’s just another way to make money off of lonely people.
JAMYE: While this definitely isn’t the best idea in the world, it’s not the worst idea either, especially if you’ve never seen the blowguard, which, in my opinion, is still one of the most mind-blowingly awkward ways to deal with the problem of teeth in your blowjob (but A for effort). This might not be such a waste of an iPad, especially if you have an older iPad and it’s on the fritz, maybe this could be a good last use of your technology. While it does seem like a bad idea for a brand new iPad (I don’t think I’d subject my new iPad to wank juice), if you’ve got a lot of money to spare, why not have an iPad for wanking and one for working? And as far as ease of use, this looks like a pretty good idea to me. Being able to use one device to watch porn and wank off keeps your sex life compact.
2. How can you watch and wank with the same device? Is that even possible?
KRISSY: I don’t know. I wonder if trying to focus your eyes on a shaking, bright screen that’s moving up and down really fast WHILE wanking will cause you to keel over and convulse on the floor — you know, like how Pokemon affected Japanese children…
Okay, so seizures probably won’t happen. But I can’t imagine it’s an easy task to shake a screen and actually see the content on it.
JAMYE: If seizures do become a problem with this device, then that will make for an interesting follow-up story. However, if this is a seizure-free situation, while a moving picture may not work for all wankers, for those who thrust lightly, I don’t see a shaky screen being all that problematic. The biggest concern I’d have is if you didn’t spooge into the fleshlight. Getting cum out of your iPad might make for an even stickier situation.
3. Does anyone really have that little of self-respect to have sex with a tablet?
KRISSY: Of course people will buy this. There are plenty of dick owners out there with no self awareness or self-respect. But I, personally, could never buy anything like this, even if a sex toy company managed to create a fuckable iPad for females. I would feel so bad about myself if I spent my hard earned cash on humpable plastic.
To purchase a Launchpad, you would have to be at your lowest low. They should really market the product like that, you know? The advertisements should say:
“Hey! Calling all dudes who feel like the worst human beings on the planet! You’re in luck! It’s only 24 bucks to do something even lonelier than masturbating with your hand in the sad glow of a screen!”
JAMYE: I don’t think humping an iPad is only done by those men who feel so low they have no where left to go. I think lonely geeks, those who already love their technology, would be pretty excited to hump their iPad. I remember the episode of The Big Bang Theory where Howard masturbates with a robotic hand. I think you lose all self-respect when you have to go to the hospital (twice) to undo the hand of the robot that was jerking you off, but other than that, like most other sex toys, it’s the novelty of using it that makes it so desirable. It’s a great conversation piece, and if all else fails you can become the life of the party when you tell all your friends you wank off on your iPad. People are always genuinely curious about what motivates someone to wank off in novel ways. Or at least I’m genuinely curious about this.
4. If you’re open to this, what other devices do you think people should be able to have sex with?
KRISSY: I’m not open to this, but I can’t actually stop people from having sex with an iPad case — and I’m not trying to police people’s masturbation habits. It’s just that (in my opinion), this sort of invention is about as useful as junk food and reality TV; these things may provide some people with temporary rushes of shallow “joy,” but if these inventions were to disappear off the face of the earth, I’m sure the world would be better for it.
JAMYE: I do agree that these devices are as useful as soda (I do have an affinity for junk food) and reality TV , but I think that shallow “joy” is better than no joy at all.
5. Would you be okay with your partner using this to get off?
KRISSY: I could never date someone who would use something like this. I would have no respect for them at all. Maybe if they used it for a joke… or if they used it to write a review about how ridiculous the product is, then I would be okay with them using it. I’m being judgmental, I know, but silly products like these are a huge turn-off for me.
JAMYE: Totally. I’d even ask to lend a helping hand. It may be hard, but I think we could manage.
What do you think about the Launchpad?