Torn

Vaginal bleeding isn’t sexy, but it’s something that happens to a lot of women, especially after menopause. Abby Ehmann tackles the delicate topic.

On one of my many online encounters, it didn’t take long for the two of us to realize we weren’t a romantic match. But there we were, at a restaurant. Why not make the best of it? I enjoyed our conversation, which wound up derailing dangerously into the TMI realm. I learned a valuable lesson, though, even if it was a cringe worthy one. My lunch companion told me about a date he’d had that initially sounded like a success, in that they wound up in bed. Their win quickly turned into a failure when they went from the bed to the hospital. It seems that it had been a while since this woman had had sex. And his sweeping aside her cobwebs resulted in a significant loss of blood.

In case no one’s told you, your skin thins as you age, including the skin inside your vagina. After a period of, err, disuse, shall we say – the fragile skin becomes more prone to tearing. So while this woman was (finally) getting lucky, her vagina wasn’t having quite as much fun and was, instead, pretty much ripped to shreds. Not from any abuse, mind up, but from mere “use.”

Oy vey. If there weren’t already a million reasons why winding up in bed with someone is an emotional and physical mine field for those of us over 50, here’s another one: vaginal tearing. Ooooh, that’s pretty sexy! Sorry, your penis just ripped a hole in my, um, hole. Would you mind accompanying me to the emergency room? I hear they have delicious coffee. Talk about romantic…

Lately, as I’ve been feeling aggressively optimistic about finding someone (or at least something) and actively being proactive, I became concerned about the same thing happening to me. ‘Cause yeah, it’s been a while – a long while, like two depressingly fuck-less years. You see, even the drunkenly inserted fingers I was lucky enough to enjoy being inserted into my nether regions (someone else’s, not mine) left me with pink stains on my panties the following day. I don’t suppose I need to mention that the stains were most definitely not menstrual. Oops. TMI? Sorry, I’m being brutally honest here. Thus, how to tackle this dilemma?

Along with my proactivity in the online dating arena, I’ve begun a bit of proactivity in the bedroom. Alone. It’s not that I’ve been self-celibate these past few, ahem, dry years. Masturbation is healthy and fun and I ain’t ashamed. Plus it’s damned necessary when one isn’t getting “it” anywhere else. But dragging out the heavy equipment is often more work than I’m up for if all I need is a quick release…so to speak.

However, if I’m serious about dating, I’d better be equally serious about getting laid, which means I need to start flexing those muscles. I’m fortunate to have a full-on artillery of sex toys at my disposal so I’ve decided to start with one of the smaller ones and work my way up. Thus far I haven’t graduated much past medium but at least I haven’t drawn any blood. (Would it be overly optimistic to utilize jumbo?) At the very least I won’t be the woman in the emergency room from getting lucky.

While this started as a horrifying cautionary tale over coffee, it was unusual, since menopause isn’t ordinarily considered polite conversation. It’s simply an uncomfortable topic, even with a doctor. If you don’t read about it, the only clue you’d have is a fleeting mention of “vaginal dryness” on one of the endless pharmaceutical ads on TV. That’s if you watch TV.

If you don’t know what to expect, bleeding after sex can totally freak you out, especially when all you wanted to do was get your freak on. So what are we to do? Become informed and talk about it. I’m here to help!

Abby’s now accepting applicants of THIS size. Are you game?